True Manhood in Islam

Allah, to Whom all praise and glory is due, says in Surah an-Noor, verse 37:

Men whom neither commerce nor sale distracts from the remembrance of Allah and performance of prayer and giving of zakah. They fear a Day in which the hearts and eyes will [fearfully] turn about.

And Allah says in Surah al-Ahzab, verse 23:

Among the believers are men true to what they promised Allah . Among them is he who has fulfilled his vow [to the death], and among them is he who awaits [his chance]. And they did not alter [the terms of their commitment] by any alteration

It is narrated that Umar ibn Al-Khattab was sitting with some of the companions in a house in Medinah. He said to them, "Make a wish." One of them said, "I wish that this house was filled with gold so that I would spend it in the path of Allah." Another one said, "I wish this house was filled with diamonds so that I would spend it in the path of Allah." Umar repeated, "Make a wish." They said, "O leader of the faithful, what do you wish?" Umar said, "I wish that this house was filled with men like Abu Ubaidah ibn Al-Jarrah, Muadh ibn Jabal, Salem, the freed slave of Hudhaifah, and Hudhaifah bin Al-Yaman.

Dear brothers and sisters, our topic today is the concept of manhood in Islam. It includes the meaning of manhood, the characteristics of manhood, the misconceptions regarding manhood, and how to inculcate manhood in our kids.

Manhood implies those characteristics that are deemed praiseworthy by peopel of intellect and whose absence is worthy of blame, and those include good morals, determination, etc. Every man is not characterized as a true man. Sometimes, a woman may be better than ten men on account of her excellent morals and attributes!

Allah praised His prophets (peace be upon them) in the Qur'an, describing them as honorable persons who faced difficulties while following the religion of Allah, Islam. Allah says in Surah Yusuf, verse 109:

Allah sent not before you [as messengers] except men to whom We revealed from among the people of cities.

Manhood includes characteristics in a person that go beyond the characteristics of the body. A real person in Islam is the one imbued with beautiful morals and a pure heart. Sahal ibn Sa'ad narrated that a person passed by Muhammad (pbuh) and he (pbuh) asked his companions, "What do you say about this person?" They said, "He is a person that if he sends a proposal it will be accepted, and if he intercedes on behalf of someone, his intercession will be accepted, and if he says something, people will listen to him." Muhammad (pbuh) kept quiet. Then another person passed by from among the poor Muslims. He (pbuh) asked, "What do you say about this person?" The companions said, "He is a person that if he sends a proposal it will be rejected, and if he intercedes on behalf of someone his intercession will not be accepted, and if he says something the people will not listen to him." Muhammad (pbuh) said, "The likes of this (poor) person are better than the treasures of the earth." Here, Muhammad (pbuh) illustrates that manhood is not because of a strong body, noble descent, or wealth. Rather, manhood is on account of faith and good morals.

In Islam, manhood has several characteristics. We should know them in order that we strive for them, and those include the following:

1.     Determination and self-discipline.

Among the qualities of a true believer is that he overcomes his ego, which is always inclined to sin. So when your ego invites you to sin, be a man and overcome the desire of your ego. A true man overcomes his ego - his ego does not command him! This is particularly true for those of our youth, for whom the doors of sin are spread open, but they proclaim, "We fear Allah". They are the true men. When the wife of a great ruler of Egypt invited Joseph (pbuh) to commit adultery with her, he (pbuh) said, "I seek Allah's protection!"

2.     Persistence in remembering Allah.

Manhood implies that you do not acquire worldly pleasures and be forgetful of the Hereafter. Surah an-Noor, verses 36-37, reads:

[Such niches are] in mosques which Allah has ordered to be raised and that His name be mentioned therein; exalting Him within them in the morning and the evenings - [Are] men whom neither commerce nor sale distracts from the remembrance of Allah and performance of prayer and giving of zakah. They fear a Day in which the hearts and eyes will [fearfully] turn about.

Once, Muhammad (pbuh) was addressing the people from the podium, when a caravan approached. All the companions, except twelve of them, left him. He (pbuh) said, "By Allah, if you had also followed them, and none of you had remained behind, the valley with you would have filled with fire". Allah Almighty then revealed Surah al-Jumuah, verse 11, "But when they saw a transaction or a diversion, [O Muhammad], they rushed to it and left you standing. Say, "What is with Allah is better than diversion and than a transaction, and Allah is the best of providers."

3.     Among qualities of true men is that they prefer obedience to Allah and Muhammad (pbuh) to the love of their wealth and children. Allah says in Surah al-Kahf, verse 46, "Wealth and children are [but] adornment of the worldly life. But the enduring good deeds are better to your Lord for reward and better for [one's] hope."

Muhammad (pbuh) also said, "Accumulate lasting righteous deeds." His companions said, "What are they, O Messenger of Allah?" He (pbuh) said, "Glorifying Allah, being grateful to Allah, there is no god except Allah, praising Allah, and there is no power except Allah. Those are the lasting righteous deeds." Imam al-Ulusi said, "Wealth and children accelerate downfall; and remembrance of Allah is not like that. Wealth may bring trouble to a person, and a rebellious child neither brings benefit in this world nor in the Hereafter." Thus, the obedience to Allah and Muhammad (pbuh) are the true qualities of manhood.

4.     Loyalty and trustworthiness are also among the qualities of true manhood. When Muhammad (pbuh) emigrated from Mecca to Medina, he (pbuh) left Ali ibn Abi Talib behind in Mecca, to return all trusts to their owners. Later, when Mecca was returned to the Muslims, he (pbuh) gave the key to the Ka'aba to Uthman ibn Talha, and said, "This is your key, O Uthman. Today is the day of keeping the trust."

But when the Muslim ummah lost the morals that Muhammad (pbuh) delivered to them, the ummah lost its strength. A Christian scholar said, "Arabs lost their position when they forgot their morals that were delivered to them, and they became divided, lacking determination, inclined to pleasures and desires."

5.    Being answerable to Allah for the family. Allah says in Surah an-Nisa, verse 34, "Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth." Muhammad (pbuh) said, "Each one of you is a care-taker, and each one of you is answerable for those in his care. A man is care-taker over his family, and is answerable for those in his care.

6.     Humility, forgiveness to full extent, and perfect morals are also required. And this is often forgotten when men remember that they are supposed to be in charge of their families, so take caution. Some men incorrectly think that manhood means winning arguments, sticking to your opinion even if it is wrong, or displaying sternness over their wives and kids so that they treat the ones they are supposed to guide with harshness or cruelty. This is a mistake. The best of all creation, Muhammad (pbuh), was kind and affectionate and forgiving towards his family and towards all mankind. If this did not weaken his position as the leader of the family or of the Muslims, why are we afraid to follow in his (pbuh) example?

So how do we raise our sons to grow into men who exemplify all these manners of manhood as defined above?

1. We should bring them to the gatherings of their elders, so that they may learn wisdom and maturity from them.
2. We should teach our children to be respectful to all humans, especially to their elders. The best way to do this is by example. If we treat our wives disrespectfully in front of our sons, they will learn this habit. Similarly, if we backbite other Muslims in the presence of our youth, they will follow us in this example.
3. We should also show respect to our children and to give them their right in gatherings, and not deny them.
4. We should show our children importance. We should say salaam to them, we should listen to them, and we should give importance to their opinion.
5. We should not dress little boys in silk and gold, because silk and gold are for women and not for men, even if they are still boys.
6. We should tell our children stories of our religion and of the companions of Muhammad (pbuh) in order to teach them perfect etiquette and morals.

Our desire is to inculcate the characteristics of manhood among us so that we are true in regards to our covenant with Allah. And Allah knows best.

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The Evils of Backbiting

Allah, to whom all praise and glory is due, says:

Do not spy nor backbite about some of you to others. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of a dead Muslim? No, you would despise that. Fear Allah. Surely Allah is the one who accepts repentance, the most Merciful.

And Muhammad (peace be upon him) said in his last sermon:

Verily, your blood, your property, and your honor are as sacred and inviolable as the sanctity of this day of yours, in this month of yours, and in this town of yours.

Allah has given many blessings to his servants. Amongst these blessings is the blessing of speaking with the tongue. If we use this blessing of Allah to our benefit (praying, reciting Qur'an, remembering Allah), we will enter Paradise, insh'Allah. But if we use this blessing of Allah for hurtful things, we will qualify to enter the Hellfire (Allah forbid).

The tongue is the most important organ in the body. When the tongue is truthful, the heart and the rest of the body stay correct. When the tongue is corrupt, the heart and the rest of the body are corrupted.

Allah says:

Not a word does one utter but there is a watcher by it ready (to record).

And Muhammad (pbuh) said:

A Muslim is one from whose tongue and hands, the other Muslims are in peace.

Muhammad (pbuh) defined backbiting for us. According to Abu Hurairah, Muhammad (pbuh) said, "Do you comprehend what backbiting is?" The people said, "Allah and His messenger know best." He (pbuh) said, "Talking about your brother what he would abhor." Someone asked, "What if my brother has what I describe?" He (pbuh) said, "If your brother is the way you describe, you did backbiting on him. And if he is not like that, you slandered him." This hadeeth tells Muslims not to describe their brothers and sisters in Islam with words she would despise or dislike, even though those words may well be true. It is recommended to describe other Muslims in good words or remain silent. To describe them in repulsive terms is not permitted, because doing so amounts to either backbiting or slander, and these are not the attributes of a Muslim.

Note: Many Americans confuse backbiting with gossip, but these two things are different. Backbiting is making fun of another person behind their back. Gossip is talking about another person (true or false) with the intent to defame them. Both of these actions are forbidden in Islam.

Uqbah ibn Amir narrated: "I asked Muhammad (pbuh) 'what is the way to safety?' He (pbuh) said, 'Guard your tongue, stay in your house, and cry over your sins'." I advise you and myself to save our tongues from the evils of backbiting. Most people do not consider backbiting as a big sin, but in reality it is a huge sin, because it leads a person to Hellfire (Allah forbid). Muaz ibn Jabal asked, "Will we be held accountable for what we say?" Muhammad (pbuh) said, "What's the matter with you?! People will be thrown into the Hellfire on their faces because of words uttered from their tongues!"

Why do people backbite?

One of the reasons that prompts a person to backbite is envy. A person speaks ill of his brother in Islam on account of envy for his wealth, or his kids, or his position. Both envy and backbiting are forbidden.Ibn Abd Al-Bar said, "By Allah! People cross all limits in backbiting and slander, and this is because of ignorance and envy."

Another reason that prompts a person to backbite is weakness of faith in Allah, and weakness in fear of Allah. A strong believer does not backbite anyone, because he knows that Allah will hold him accountable for his deeds. A believer controls his ego (nafs).

Another reason that prompts people to backbite is involving themselves in vain talk, mocking, and joking. It is not permitted for a Muslim or Muslimah to continue to sit in a setting where people talk ill of other people behind their backs, because Allah describes it as an attribute of the people of Hellfire:

we used to speak idle-talk with vain talkers.

Qatadah said about this verse, "It means, whenever idle-talkers talked falsehood, we joined them."

If a person attends a gathering, where people are backbiting others, if he or she doesn't admonish them, then he or she should leave the gathering. The one who does not do this will be among the sinners. Ibn Abd Al-Bar said, "A group of scholars disliked idle talk and joking because it leads to a bad end (Hellfire), and talks about honor of other people."

If people were to know the consequences of backbiting they would surely abstain from it. Backbiting has several negatives in this world and the hereafter. The person who backbites has his sins exposed in this world and in the Hereafter. Ibn Umar narrated, "Muhammad (pbuh) climbed on to the podium and proclaimed: 'O you who say you believe with your tongues but the faith does not enter your hearts! Do not torture the believers, nor slander them, nor prod into their cover. He who prods into the cover of his Muslim brother, Allah will prod into his cover, and whomever Allah prods into his cover will be exposed, even though he is in the security of his house." Saif ur Rahman Mubarakpuri explains, "The saying 'Allah will prod into his cover' means Allah will expose all his shortcomings even though he hides it from the people inside his house."

Those who backbite will be punished in their graves. Qatadah said, "Punishment of the grave is on three accounts: one third from backbiting, one third from slandering, and one third from urine (that soils the clothes)."

I advise those who are used to speaking ill of people behind their backs to repent and ask Allah's forgiveness, because it is forbidden to do so. One hadith tells us that Aisha, one of the wives of Muhammad (pbuh), spoke ill about Safiyyah, another wife of Muhammad (pbuh), in her absence. Muhammad (pbuh) admonished Aisha by telling her that the sin of a single bad word is enough to pollute the water of an ocean. This hadith applies to a great number of people, especially but not exclusively women, who think it is normal to tell about the shortcomings of other women and to tell other people about their mistakes. This is forbidden.

There are, however, circumstances in which it is permitted to speak ill of another person in his or her absence. These are:

1) If you are wronged, you can complain to the judge or the authorities and describe to him or her the circumstances in order to claim your right.

2) If you want to warn someone from the mischief of another person. If you know about a person who does bad things and you tell other Muslims only because you want them to take caution concerning the mischief maker, it is not considered backbiting.

3) If a person seeks your opinion about another person in regards to marriage, and you know the person well, you should appraise the inquirer about this person's characteristics (good and bad), and this is not backbiting.

Dear brothers and sisters, if we were to reflect upon ourselves, each one of us would discover many faults that we possess. Why should we indulge ourselves in talking about other people's faults, while forgetting or ignoring our own? It is not the attribute of a believer to vilify a person by saying words that expose the shortcomings of our fellow Muslims, even if they are true.

And Allah knows best.

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